Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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