I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
