Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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