Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
