i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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