If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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