Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
