i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
