dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
