You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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