She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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