i barfeds in our rink
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
