i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
