is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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