omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
