I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
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