apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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