You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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