i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
