I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
