Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
