He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
