I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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