My sheets look like a crime scene.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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