so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
