capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
