I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
