He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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