Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
