Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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