The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
