if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
