If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
