Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
