I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My bed smells like the plague
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
