Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
