i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
