Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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