I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
