She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
