some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
