my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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