My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
