is your mom at the bar?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
