fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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