Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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