I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
