If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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