I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
