and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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