This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
