i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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